I had a LEEP (surgery in the cervix when abnormal, pre-cancerous cells are found during a pap smear) in 2013. At the time, babies were not on my mind, rather I was about to go to Spain and start my adventure. Cut to 2017, I've returned to Canada, I've met a wonderful guy, we make plans to start a family...and my gynecologist tells me there's something abnormal about my pap. Which leads to my second LEEP. This is a type of minor surgery where pre-cancerous cells are excised from the cervical area. If left untreated, these cells would turn into cancer over time.
Unlike the first one, I was extremely nervous before the second LEEP. I called the clinic several times, asking questions about how it would affect pregnancy in the future, and if there was another way besides a LEEP. They assured me that it would not affect my ability to conceive, but there was a slight chance I'd give birth prematurely. And no, there was no other way to be sure that the abnormal cells would be taken out, other than to have a LEEP.
So nervously I went, and thank goodness R was able to drive me there and bring me home, because I was very emotional sitting alone in the changeroom. I recall crying the first time in 2013, because I felt like I was going through it alone. This time, I had someone waiting patiently for me in the waiting area, but still I cried for an unknown future, and an unknown baby.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Saturday, July 15, 2017
The Frustration of Moving from Single to Coupled
I've decided to not feel guilty anymore about my life choices. We all change throughout our lives, and we're all just trying to live. For those who choose not to marry or have kids, I've never judged that. I've been thinking about my future and it sucks to have felt afraid to speak about it with some friends, because of the kid-shaming and couple-shaming I hear from some of them. In the past I was never afraid to declare I was single, and I will not be afraid to say how I've changed now, because it's the way life sometimes goes.
For the past few months I've been made to feel guilty or ashamed of my life choices. The last couple of years have included big, shocking changes. While living in Europe, I was involved in a horrific accident and I saw how quickly life can end. It scared me into working towards my dreams, and to feel comfortable with my life choices. I then decided I wasn't happy away from Canada anymore, so I came back to what was comfortable, and it was a fantastic decision. Some people dream of owning a home, some people dream of having children..since I was a teenager, I've dreamt of meeting the right guy and getting married.
Some of you might laugh and think that's silly. That highlights my frustration: I'm trying to meet another life goal (marriage), and now I'm not being accepted for trying to achieve it. Why not? I met a wonderful guy and, naturally, we spend a lot of time together as we try to build a foundation for our relationship. In the past I had friends disappear when they met a guy, but I knew they'd return and they did, while still with their partners. I'm glad I didn't complain to them when they had less time for me.
When I was single I was available to go out at the drop of a hat. Now my time is more planned out. Natural, considering I want to see my boyfriend, I'm more in demand at work, I'm studying for a new career, and I want to see friends. Sometimes, I also just want to rest at home. After three years of trying to acclimate to a frenetic lifestyle of new people, new places and a new language, sometimes staying in a comfortable home for the night feels wonderful.
I have friends who choose to be childless, and I've never judged that. Meanwhile, they think it's o.k. to complain and make faces about those with children. I've been ashamed to mention that I've thought about becoming a mother. It disturbs me that friends have made negative comments about my life choices, when I haven't about theirs. I'm o.k. with them being single, wanting to party until 3 a.m. and choosing not to have kids. What's wrong with me being opposite? Yes, my life has changed in the past year. But that's normal. Doesn't matter if you're getting married, or met a great guy that thinks long-term, or got a new job, or decided to move back home, or someone died, or someone was born... they're all part of life.
I do remember times when friends accepted me and my changes, and gave me encouragement and support along the way. It means a lot to be able to hang out and talk as if nothing has changed, and to not feel judged for how I've crafted my daily life. I have really big goals in mind for the rest of my life and I will work to achieve them, and keep myself and my family happy.
For the past few months I've been made to feel guilty or ashamed of my life choices. The last couple of years have included big, shocking changes. While living in Europe, I was involved in a horrific accident and I saw how quickly life can end. It scared me into working towards my dreams, and to feel comfortable with my life choices. I then decided I wasn't happy away from Canada anymore, so I came back to what was comfortable, and it was a fantastic decision. Some people dream of owning a home, some people dream of having children..since I was a teenager, I've dreamt of meeting the right guy and getting married.
Some of you might laugh and think that's silly. That highlights my frustration: I'm trying to meet another life goal (marriage), and now I'm not being accepted for trying to achieve it. Why not? I met a wonderful guy and, naturally, we spend a lot of time together as we try to build a foundation for our relationship. In the past I had friends disappear when they met a guy, but I knew they'd return and they did, while still with their partners. I'm glad I didn't complain to them when they had less time for me.
When I was single I was available to go out at the drop of a hat. Now my time is more planned out. Natural, considering I want to see my boyfriend, I'm more in demand at work, I'm studying for a new career, and I want to see friends. Sometimes, I also just want to rest at home. After three years of trying to acclimate to a frenetic lifestyle of new people, new places and a new language, sometimes staying in a comfortable home for the night feels wonderful.
I have friends who choose to be childless, and I've never judged that. Meanwhile, they think it's o.k. to complain and make faces about those with children. I've been ashamed to mention that I've thought about becoming a mother. It disturbs me that friends have made negative comments about my life choices, when I haven't about theirs. I'm o.k. with them being single, wanting to party until 3 a.m. and choosing not to have kids. What's wrong with me being opposite? Yes, my life has changed in the past year. But that's normal. Doesn't matter if you're getting married, or met a great guy that thinks long-term, or got a new job, or decided to move back home, or someone died, or someone was born... they're all part of life.
I do remember times when friends accepted me and my changes, and gave me encouragement and support along the way. It means a lot to be able to hang out and talk as if nothing has changed, and to not feel judged for how I've crafted my daily life. I have really big goals in mind for the rest of my life and I will work to achieve them, and keep myself and my family happy.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
Deciding to Have a Baby
So, how did I go from a single girl, fulfilling her dream in Spain, to becoming a mom in Canada? I'd always envisioned adopting, because I didn't want the pressure of having to find a partner before turning 40. When I met my love, R, we talked near the beginning of our relationship about marriage and a family. I presented my ideas and opinion on adoption, but in the end we decided it wasn't for us.
We've decided to start trying to have a child. The complications are: I'm almost 40, and I've just found out that women in my family have menopause early. I thought I had time even at age 41 or 42, but genetically speaking, the best choice is for us to have a baby now. And we've been dating for less than a year. However, he's been honest about wanting to commit and start a family, we both have stable careers, and we have no debt. The time seems ripe.
He's been very excited about starting a family. When I tell people I'm considering having a baby, and they ask if my boyfriend is ready, I joke, "He was ready yesterday!" Because he was ready before I said I was. My gynecologist as well; she's normally very stoic, very professional. However, when I stated my intent to conceive, her face lit up like Christmas and she was so happy.
However, we can't start yet. The doctor discovered abnormal cells near my cervix. Luckily, they're low-grade, but it means a delay while I get a biopsy done. This happened before, shortly before moving to Spain, so I know what to expect. I just hope it's not going to complicate matters during my pregnancy - if it even happens. I intuitively feel healthy, and I believe I will conceive quickly, but I think all women think that. It's funny, after years of preventing pregnancy, I'm now really wanting it! Albeit at an older age, so fingers crossed it happens naturally.
We've decided to start trying to have a child. The complications are: I'm almost 40, and I've just found out that women in my family have menopause early. I thought I had time even at age 41 or 42, but genetically speaking, the best choice is for us to have a baby now. And we've been dating for less than a year. However, he's been honest about wanting to commit and start a family, we both have stable careers, and we have no debt. The time seems ripe.
He's been very excited about starting a family. When I tell people I'm considering having a baby, and they ask if my boyfriend is ready, I joke, "He was ready yesterday!" Because he was ready before I said I was. My gynecologist as well; she's normally very stoic, very professional. However, when I stated my intent to conceive, her face lit up like Christmas and she was so happy.
However, we can't start yet. The doctor discovered abnormal cells near my cervix. Luckily, they're low-grade, but it means a delay while I get a biopsy done. This happened before, shortly before moving to Spain, so I know what to expect. I just hope it's not going to complicate matters during my pregnancy - if it even happens. I intuitively feel healthy, and I believe I will conceive quickly, but I think all women think that. It's funny, after years of preventing pregnancy, I'm now really wanting it! Albeit at an older age, so fingers crossed it happens naturally.
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