38.5 Weeks - Do We Ever Really Feel Ready?

If I guess correctly, I'm past the 9 month mark now (who knew, due dates are given at the 10-month mark!?!) and in the final home stretch. I can see the finish line ahead. There are parts of pregnancy I will miss - this is probably one of the only times where I and others will really take care of me. I slow down when I'm tired, I eat what I want (with care, of course), I nap when I need to, I let myself cry if it feels good. I live in a society that is normally very go, go, go so recognizing the importance of slowing down and enjoying the present has been a great lesson.

.....Well, enjoying the present as much as possible. We're currently in a heat wave and my body is retaining more fluid. I've had to buy new sandals because 3/4 of my shoe collection doesn't fit. My toes look like vienna sausages. You'd think I'd be happy with the heat, but my tolerance has been Canadianized and I've become a sloth in order to deal.

A sure way to slow down: prenatal yoga at home.

I'm doing my best to focus on relaxing when it comes to thinking about the impending labor. Every night I watch an affirmation video or meditate. Almost every morning I do yoga and focus on relaxing and stretching. I refuse to listen to horror birth stories, instead reading ones where the women felt empowered. I know bajillions of women have labored before, and I know our bodies are designed to handle it, blah blah blah..... I'm still anxious. My obstetrician said my Group B Strep results came back positive (apparently at least 2 women in my prenatal class are also positive), which has put a kink in my plans. If my water doesn't break before I go into labour, I'll do as much as I can at home and then it's off to the hospital once the contractions reach a certain point. However, if my water breaks, I have to go to the hospital sooner in order to get an IV for antibiotics. A broken amniotic sac means increased risk that Sheep would catch my Group B Strep. So in this situation, it's possible I'd be labouring in hospital instead of the comfort of my home. It's also possible I'd have to be administered pitocin (noooooo!!) in order to deliver earlier rather than later, for Sheep's safety.

I'm like a Girl Scout and I've done everything I can to prepare. I've already attended workshops on infant CPR, car seat installation, and baby sleep habits. R has been wonderful and done SO MUCH to prepare our home - Sheep's room is basically done, plus he's been my sherpa when buying second-hand furniture and doing big Costco shops. We bought a new mini-freezer which I'm currently stocking with frozen meals (thank you, Ara). You would think, with the fact that we'd planned this pregnancy, and the nine months it's taken to get here, that I'm feeling the excitement everyone else seems to be feeling. But most days I haven't been. I've been feeling 90% worried instead. For selfish reasons: will I ever have time to myself ever again? Can I ever have fun travel adventures ever again? And for low self-confidence reasons: will Sheep love me? Will my relationship with R stand the test of time?

It wasn't until I admitted to myself that I don't feel 100% ready, that ironically I began to feel better and more open to Sheep's arrival. I realized I always felt this way before big changes, for example before each trip to Spain. Despite extensive preparation and lots of time before jetting off, I always had an urge to cancel the trips the night before. That's how nervous I was, and that's how I've felt with Sheep's impending arrival. Despite the prenatal classes, baby prep workshops, and extensive research, I haven't felt completely ready, but almost no one ever feels 100% ready for big changes. Even though everything around me is set - we have a new home, no personal debt, I've done plenty of adventurous things in my life, and I feel I'm at the right age to have a baby - I had to admit in my heart that I wasn't ready, in order to be ready. Seems counterproductive on paper, but in reality admitting that to myself made me feel 100 times better. So Sheep, come on out when you're ready! Because Mom and Dad are here for you.